In their forthcoming book The Triple Package, “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua and husband Jed Rubenfeld determine eight groups who are destined to perform better in the U.S. Using a secret rubric found in Hitler’s bunker their “triple package” criteria, the two authors apply specious pseudoscience and anecdotal nonsense “groundbreaking original research” to finally determine who’s best and who deserves nice stuff.

I’d been holding my own research close to the vest, but I'm compelled to go ahead and announce the results of my own work in order to join this exciting new field of social science. I’ve isolated groups found to be almost superhuman in their ability to vanquish others and gather tremendous money and power. While Chua and Rubenfeld’s list is crudely broad, I’ve micro-targeted my research to arrive at more precise groups. You can't blame Chua and Rubenfeld for their lack of rigor and precision, though; they're not in optimal cultural groups.

I hope you find yourself included on this list of mega-achieving world-inheritors. If not, try to focus your lazy, deviant, and tragically maladapted mind and learn something.

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• Redheads Who Still Have Tons of Forever Stamps on Deck

• Double-jointed Iowans Who Have That Thing Where Cilantro Tastes Weird

• Shortish Presbyterians Who Are Careful Not to Step on Cracks in the Sidewalk / Will, However, Go Out of Their Way to Step on Crunchy-looking Leaves

• Vegans Who Know How to Program the Goddamn Thermostat

• People Whose BMI, Credit Score, and Birth Weight, Plugged Into the Quadratic Equation Produces the Number 27

• Daughters of the American Revolution Who Could Never See the Image on Magic Eye Posters

• People Who Share My Values and Heritage