Hipsters! The amazing brand of human that runs from absolutely anyone aged 13 to absolutely anyone aged 40. They’re all over America! You might think they’re all the same but we’re here to show you they are unique snowflakes who deserve to be generalized on more than their age, so we choose their location. Look up the area below that you know a hipster lives in and read on to find all their identifying traits.

New York Neighborhoods:

North Williamsburg Hipster

Pros: Great Instagram pics of the Williamsburg bridge, early mornings riding the ferry into the city, brunch at Egg.
Cons: May claim they “only read graphic novels” as a way of hiding they don’t read. They live in an apartment too expensive for their salary, hence the unmentioned envelopes from Daddy. Obligatory Girls reference.
Warning: Will bitch that this blog post is “derivative”.

South Williamsburg Hipster

Pros: On pay day, they can go fuck with what’s going on at Bedford, get some baubles at Catbird, eat at 1 or 8. Good bagels thanks to proximity to Hasidic Jews (see pic above).
Cons: The rest of the time, they’re close enough to Bushwick Country Club, they know how to cut their Forever 21 clothes to look like Opening Ceremony, and are fine ordering from Kellogg’s diner.
Warning: Might move back to the Midwest when they get sick of trying to make print happen.

Bushwick Hipster

Pros: The Bushwick kids are the sub-class of hipster most rewarded by the “looking broke is cool”. They have fewer tattoos because they can’t afford them and they don’t fuck with anchors when they do get tattooed.
Cons: You only see your Bushwick hipster friends when you get dragged to Roberta’s.
Warning: Do not fuck with hipsters who live in McKibbin lofts. Also, do not fuck hipsters who live in McKibbin lofts.

LES Hipster

Pros: They know Chloe Sevigny (well, she does turn up with a welcome basket at everyone’s door when they move to the neighborhood), their torn jeans cost more than their first semester NYU tuition, and they have more pictures on Patrick McMullan’s site and Guest of a Guest than you have tagged on Facebook. Have only black in their closet.
Cons: They’re fucking everyone (possibly also a pro?).
Warning: Don’t let the coke run out.

East Village Hipster

Pros: They’ve lived in NYC longer than anyone. They have a closer friendship with more rats in the area than their Twitter followers. They like good coffee but never make it at home. Equal mix in their closet of start-up t-shirts and cool threads, with one plaid shirt for when their company has an outing to Barcade. They know about Burp Castle.
Cons: Listening to them brag about their rent-controlled apartment.
Warning: Don’t take a Midwest hipster to St. Mark’s Place, they explode.

SoHo Hipster

Pros: They look better than you do right now. Half their clothes are shamefully from J. Crew and Madewell, but they mix it up enough with Net-a-Porter and Mr. Porter that you can’t tell. Always down to leave the Dutch and go to Milady’s.
Cons: They’re going to move to South Brooklyn in a few years.
Warning: Don’t visit anyone in SoHo during the day time or anytime in the summer, though stabbing a tourist in rage over them blocking the sidewalk has been decriminalized in NYC.

South Brooklyn Hipster

Pros: May have somehow made enough money in the eternally cash-draining hell hole that is Manhattan to buy a brownstone. If so, we all hate you and your Maclaren.
Cons: They’re expecting a baby and already have their one year-old prepped for Kindergarten. They post on all the baby forum boards and have their yoga certification from the time they quit their job to find themselves years ago.

Hipsters Around The Country:

LA Club Rat Hipster

Pros: LA club rats are the best at mixing the hipster trend with hip hop looks.
Cons: They hang out at LA clubs.
Warning: They hang out at LA clubs.

LA Hipster Hippie

Pros: Though they hate living near Hollywood, they enjoy the organic food perks.
Cons: Talk about Earthbar way too much. How do they afford that on their yoga teacher pay?
Warning: They believe in horoscopes.

LA Club Rat Who Goes To Coachella Hipster

Pros: They have drugs.
Cons: Amazingly skilled at name dropping incessantly while high.
Warning: This is the biggest point of confusion with the hipster meme. Look at all these beautiful bohemians! Don’t be tricked! They’re at Coachella for work, whether it’s because they’re a celebrity and want their overwhelmingly on trend outfit and new lover seen on gossip sites, or they work for some sort of brand that they convinced to sponsor something at Coachella so they could get free tickets.

SF Hipster

Pros: They use an iPhone to do everything from adjusting the temperature in their home to fingerbanging their lover. They know where to buy edibles at Dolores Park.
Cons: They complain about their rent constantly, unless arguing about how Burning Man is “over”.
Warning: Oh God, the mustaches. Stop with the mustaches! Stop! Styled face pubes are disgusting.

Midwestern Hipster

Pros: A dog person, instead of the beloved cat meme, mostly because they actually have backyards to let the dog out.
Cons: These kids still think moustaches are alt, though they are just getting over anchors.
Warning: They really don’t have a distinct style, but their parents still call them a hipster because they read about the word in USA Today.

Southern Hipster

Pros: The South has been the least victimized by the hipster generalization, though most hipsters have stolen their mason jar, rustic wood table vibes thanks to Pinterest. The most hipster-ish area of the South is Austin, that’s where you’ll find some Texans who were way too influenced when SXSW came to town.
Cons: Has racist parents.
Warning: Has racist grandparents.

Portland Hipster

Portlandia was a show satirizing Portland hipsters, enough has been said about these people.