I'm on a mission to become here what David Hasselhoff is in Germany. Famous as fuck. I think I'll start with a spin-off of his old show…

As opposed to "Knight Rider," it'll be "Bike Rider." I will have a talking, thinking bike with special weapons and capabilities.

My bike will be like, "Chad, where are you? There's trouble at Leidseplein. The Americans and the British are acting like assholes."

I'll hit my bike back like, "I'm over here at the Rokerij near Rembrandtplein. Come swoop a player."

Y'all gonna see a black bike flying down Damrak with no rider on it and a red light on the front that sweeps across the handlebars. The bike's name is Kit too. No need to change a proven formula. I come out the Rokerij in all black and hop on Kit, "Let's go!"

"Kit, I need a status report."

"Chad B. The Americans and Brits are terrorizing the dude in Leidseplein who makes his living with a soccer ball."

"Step on it Kit. We'll show these tourists they can't come to Amsterdam and just act any old way."

My bike is equipped with turbochargers that make it three times faster than any scooter driven by any Moroccan. We're at Leidseplein in 86 seconds flat. I jump off my bike, do a tuck and roll and land on my feet. In the background there's an explosion.

"Kit, you make a smokescreen around the fucking tourists." Kit rides in a circle around the Brits and fat Americans. Now they can't see.

"Chad B. The tourists still have the dude's soccer ball."

"Kit, Oil slick! Stat!"

Brits and fat American tourists are falling all over Leidseplein.

"And Kit, here they call it football."

I'm kicking tourists in they fucking dome while they're trying to get up, all to no avail.

"Kit, keep them on the ropes. I see the guy who's got the soccer ball. He's making a run towards Jimmy Woo's."

"I'm on it, Chad B."

I run up the block twice as fast as the dude running with the soccer ball, cause it's my show. I can do that. Right in front of Jimmy Woo's I tackle the fat American with the soccer ball like we do in real football.

"You thought you could come here and just act any old way? Take this back to America as a souvenir." *Knockout blow to the domepiece*

All the people not good enough to get inside Jimmy Woo's are in awe. "Who is that man?"

"I'm Chaddie B. Bike Rider."

I walk over to the dude who makes his money kicking a soccer ball while hanging from a street lamp. "Here you go, buddy. Next time, be more careful."

"Kit. Where you at?"

"Right here, Chad B."

"Come swoop a nigga. I got reservations at Door 74."

*non-diegetic theme music plays as we ride off*