What Should Your Mouth Do?

And now for the dirty details. I know, you’re hard just thinking about it.

Your tongue is a glorious muscle, and some are more glorious than others. I’ll offer some techniques that will work for pretty much everyone no matter how dexterous your tongue is, but some of what I’m about to say will just not be do-able for everyone - seriously, as a matter of genetics. Don’t beat yourself off if you can’t hit the advanced techniques, you can do plenty with just the basics.

How do you know which tier to aim for? Try these tongue exercises out for size to see which level you’re on:

1. Can you fold your tongue in half and stick it out? Flip it over on its side? Alternately, can you tie a cherry string into a knot inside your mouth (in under ten minutes, and hopefully closer to 30 seconds)? If so, congratulations, you’ve got advanced capabilities. Shoot for the moon.

2. Can you form your tongue into a loop? If yes, congrats, you’re still advanced. If not, don’t lose your boner - this ability is genetic.

3. Can you stick your tongue out and touch both your chin (anywhere) and your nose? If yes, try the advanced techniques, but feel confident in using the midlevel techniques well.

4. If you can’t do any of these things, it’s okay. I’ll tell you how you can “cheat” by using your hands a bit to make up for your lack of tongue dexterity, but otherwise you’re best bet is to stick to the basics and reach for the Medium Intensity techniques. If you answered “yes” to 1-3, try NOT to use your hands until you master the tongue-only tricks here, lest you get carried away with them.

The Basics

I’ll start with a few basic rules everyone should keep in mind while going down:

1. Maximize Contact. The biggest mistake dudes (and, occasionally, chicks) make is using what I’ll call the “Sword Tongue.” Sword Tongue is where you jab with the tip of your tongue (wherever you may choose to jab, it’s suboptimal) without making contact with any other part of your tongue or mouth. The classic example is the Bro who goes down and sticks his tongue out and shakes his head “no” with his tongue on the clit. Bro, you’re using a shitload of energy to do something that just feels weird for 99% of women out there and breaks every one of my basic rules. DON’T.

Instead, strive constantly to make contact with as much of her as you can at once, with the occasional liftoff. FLATTEN that tongue on the clit before you rub it back and forth. LAP from the vagina up over the clit and back, don’t poke at it. (NOTE: this isn’t true if you’re using advanced technique). I’ll talk more about techniques in Part 4 and about what to do with your flat tool, but for the moment consider this: what feels better - a chick with your whole dick down her throat rubbing her tongue on part of it, or a chick who touches you only with the very pointy tip of her tongue at once? Don’t answer aloud, I already know.

The sexes’ organs just aren’t all that different. We’re talking about the same tissues and the same nerve connections, ultimately. So, if you’re doing something to her you wouldn’t want done to your penis, check yourself. This starts with working to maximize the surface area of your contact.

2. Change Directions. If you lick with a flat tongue from where her clit/inner labia meet her vagina to the tip top of her slit, you’re probably gonna get a nice reaction. But don’t take that to mean that’s all you should ever do. Of course, when you get a happy moan, note what you did and repeat it. But remember: the more you do that one thing, the less effect it will have. I think the up-down is a solid place to start, but after about 20 seconds you’ll want to start mixing some other things in. Draw a sort of line with the center of your tongue (generally, this should be the point of greatest pressure if you’re going with the basics) in the shape of a Jewish star. Draw it in reverse order. That sort of thing.

3. Change Your Pressure. Heavy press can be great, especially if you build up to it. However, if you hold heavy pressure with as much contact as you’re making now (if you’ve been listening to me, anyway), you’re going to slow bloodflow to the area and that would be BAD. Your tongue should lift off the pussy after a hard lick, at least for a moment. And, if you wanna see her squirm, try thirty or so seconds of really light, sort of teasing licks, maybe in the crevices (see Part 4), and then dive in hard with serious pressure and a very quick tongue flick. Note what the variation did to her. That’s what you’re going for.

And now, if you remember nothing else from this whole treatise, remember this one rule:

4. Suck It! Let me put it to you this way, penis-holders: Which girl blows better - the one who sucks like an overactive Hoover or the one who just licks the head of your penis? Again, don’t answer aloud. Instead, kick yourself if you didn’t think of this before. Because, fucking duh. I’m constantly shocked by not only the number of men, but the number of LESBIANS who don’t do this. In fact, most of you can do basically nothing with your tongue and improve your technique by just sucking her clit (remember how we found that in Part 1?). So, do. Suck her clit. Suck it like you’re really into a Ringpop. Suck it gently like the foam on the top of a latte and hard like you’re siphoning gas out of a tank to flee approaching cops. Alternate these, just like you try to vary everything you’re doing. Try to keep your tongue on her sensitive bits (doesn’t have to just be the clit) while you suck. If you can, you’re ready to move on to the midlevel.

Medium Intensity

Once you’ve internalized the basics (and, be sure to take the time to get these down before you try any of the specifics here), you can try a few tricks that will make you seem like a rockstar even if you’re scoping your very first pussy.

All of these techniques are based on a pretty simple principle: nerve boredom. Something different and surprising is more stimulating than something familiar. This is not to say that you shouldn’t use those notes you made about which of her areas were sensitive to your machinations. This is about HOW you deploy your mouth on those areas. DON’T do the same thing for more than about 30 seconds. If something is getting a wild reaction, do it for 15-20 seconds, switch for a few seconds to something slightly different, then go back to it for 15-20 seconds, rinse, repeat. Don’t ruin it by making it monotonous, and follow useful tangents.

We talked about some of these variation interludes already: make some noises, some vibrations. Exhale through your mouth at least every now and then - the rush of warm air is decidedly different than the feel of a warm mouth. Suck hard and soft, intermittently.

In most cases, your core motion below the advanced level is going to be a circle with the flat of your tongue over the clit, and this circle should flow both clockwise and counter-clockwise. Make this circle bigger and then smaller as you go. Vary the speed with which you circle, and try to maximize your speed during your faster circles to the extent your tongue can handle it. Think of this circle as your “base,” from whence you will go on some “missions.” “Missions” are things like exhalations, simple kisses of her most sensitive parts, hums, a quick lap or ten (not around the circle - like you’re lapping milk out of a bowl), a venture deep into the pussy in search of g-spot tissue, etc. Think about going on Missions to the advanced areas in Part 4.

Again, I’ve seen a lot of dudes who think if they shake their head “no” fast enough, they win. Sorry to break this to you, but usually that’s a woman faking an orgasm to avoid that kind of discomfort, and you look ridiculous. Don’t break her pleasure with comedy in this particular circumstance. You do want speed, but you want non-constant speed combined with precision. Please trust me on this. You CAN move your head to get your tongue out, but do it with control to make sure your tongue stays where it can be useful.

At the medium level, there’s only one time I’d recommend Sword Tongue, though I don’t recommend you do it without trying to maintain some other contact with other parts of your mouth and her pussy:

If you’ve ever had a gay man blow you (or a woman coached by gay men, ahem), you might have had the pleasure of a bit of sucking around the base of your penis. You might have noticed that (I hear) it excites thanks to the connection to the inner parts of your organ that usually don’t get much attention. Some clitorii have the same magic button. Sword Tongue, especially when deployed within a suctioned (or at least contacting) mouth, is excellent for finding and caressing the crevices that equal the base of your penis on ladyparts. in my experience, these missions are highly successful.

Master of Cunnilingus

If during our little entrance exam you could loop your tongue or tie a cherry stem in a knot, there’s a lot more in your arsenal. Congrats! Try these tricks:

1. With your tongue flattened against her and your mouth at-or-near the point of a suction seal, move only the tip of your tongue. It might go into her vagina just slightly here, or may tickle the bottom of the clit while the top is under a different kind of pressure. Either way, the variation is a winner.

2. From the point where you have your tongue over her clit, fold the edges of your tongue around the sides of the clit like a hot dog bun, then continue your movements. She will often shudder with pleasure.

3. With your mouth holding suction over as much of her as you can manage, centered on the most sensitive part of the clitoris, roll your tongue from side to side like you’d grind your hips in the club. Think about the flat surface of your tongue forming an arc like a mouthguard just past your lips. This works well without the suction, too, but I promise you’ll get bonus points in your can suck and roll at the same time.

4. Also multitasking with suction, you can use a min-Sword Tongue, or basically a tongue flick, across the center of the clit. By center, I mean the most sensitive part. This isn’t necessarily the geometric center of the bulbous part of her clit, and the exploration you did in part 1 is key here.

5. Pull your tongue across the clit and change both the pressure and the amount of contact with your stroke. Basically, you’re trying to line up a combo of techniques for best results. So, you’re doing a long lap across her clit, but as you move upward you’re going from a flattened tongue to a Sword Tongue. Bonus points if you can do this while maintaing some suction. Ultra bonus points if you can do it with the hot dog bun of number 2 as the starting point, go to flat, and then go to the point. Repeat this as quickly as you can.

6. For a bit of a [good] surprise when you need a variation break, stick your tongue out in folded position with the folded edge against her clit (or other sensitive part) and let it flip unfolded against her.

So, now I’ve given you a lot to work on. Don’t be embarrassed to practice these tricks on your hand in the privacy of your own bathroom before you go down. It’s work that will be rewarded with moans, bucking hips, and maybe a little squirt.

Read on to Part 4 for some thoughts on where to hit and in what order for maximum effects, as well as more on how to know if you’ve made her come.

And don’t forget to buy up those copies of No Church in the Wild (great gifts for your bi-curious lady friends to encourage them to experiment) if you want to know how I fuck a girl without using my hand or my mouth. Then click here for Part 4.